Trying something new
I used to be a professional designer, now I mostly write.
I closed my hat design business in January of 2020, after almost 20 years of operation. My heart hadn’t been in it the last year or so and I felt creatively restless. Soon after, the pandemic hit and it seemed like fortuitous timing. No one needed hats - fancy, warm, or casual - if we were all just staying home.
When I was preparing to shift gears, I wasn’t sure what I was transitioning into, so I gave myself some time to think, to explore, to daydream. I thought about the activities and interests I had as a child, and a few things came to mind, including sewing, singing, and acting. My very first concrete creations however, were short stories and poetry. As soon as I could read, I started writing. I would grab a stack of the scrap paper my father brought home from work for my siblings and I to draw on, commandeer the 8 pack of Crayola crayons, and start writing. I loved rhymes, was fascinated by them, so rhyming poetry was really fun for me. I’d fold a piece of paper in half, write a poem on one half and draw a picture to illustrate it on the other. When I had finished a few pages, I’d sew them into little books. I loved the process and was enormously proud of the results.
I kept writing throughout my childhood and into young adulthood, mostly for myself. I rarely showed anyone what I had written. I distinctly remember, at the age of ten, telling my best friend that writing felt too revealing. I grew up in a tense and chaotic household and was always on guard against showing any signs of weakness. I spent a lot of time reading and writing in the tops of trees and in the backs of closets. The honesty that writing required was exhilarating, but the vulnerability that it showcased was too risky for me in those tender times.
I was always a voracious reader and devoured books and eventually plays. The beauty of the language, and the opportunity to interpret the text and bring it to life made me feel powerfully electric. I wanted to be a great actress and comedienne and so I studied performance in college. Acting offered a safe cover. I was able to explore deeper emotions and express them, move an audience to tears or laughter, use my voice in service of the collective story, and I had the protection of a character and someone else’s finely wrought words.
Post-graduation I quickly realized that the relentless auditions and rejection were not for me. I shifted to working in costume design and from there, to making hats. Designing and making hats was something that I could do on my own with no one else’s permission required, and I only needed a small space in which to work. Hats could be exciting, dramatic, and made the wearer feel like they were the star of their own play or movie. The theatricality that hats offered to both me and my customers inspired my creativity for many years.
I have now come full circle and returned to my first love, my first means of creative expression: writing. All I need is a pen, a piece of paper, and a tiny space all on my own.